ethoughts weekly- Issue 175

August 21, 2007

Leaving Home

This past week our sweet elderly neighbor died. His wife, Ginny, who suffers from dementia, was taken to live with her daughter. His health was poor, and we expected his passing. Although it was a sad loss, the abruptness of losing both kind people in one shot was probably the worst part of the whole thing. They were a dear couple. Very precious, kind to our children, and they will be missed as our friends nearby. Heaven did get a big bonus though.

Their daughter, Ginger explained that her mother was very determined to stay in her home. She didn’t think it was time to leave, and wasn’t aware of her own deterioration. Ginny had whittled down to only 82 pounds through malnutrition, by way of forgetting meals. Along with that, and using the stove, she was a danger to herself and others to live all alone. She did not see it this way-not at all!

Since I’ve heard this same type of story repeated so many times lately, I can’t help but think there it a big message in it all, that most of us miss. Or perhaps, life just zooms so fast, that maybe we take the facts for granted. Time and again, I hear that an older loved one is fighting to stay put, when they are in peril left to themselves. They assume the people that love them most have turned against them. They are upset or angered that the kind of independence they have had is ending. They see their family, not age itself, as taking that from them. Who would really be better to help them, then loved ones? But, time and again, we hear the stories of sad and hard fought resistance.

Maybe the biggest reason you seldom hear a story of an elderly person willing leaving home for assisted living, or a nursing home, is because that time sneaks up rather quickly. One year a person is traveling, and enjoying the company of friends, and the next year, that same person is burying a spouse, and forgetting to let in the dog, and eat for three days in a row. In the confusion person seems to develop mistrust for those close to one’s self. And then the battle begins, because the time comes. Inevitably, it does. So, it was sad to see it end this way. It show me how fast life goes. Dignity can be lost in many ways too. Not just by aging, but by forgetting how badly you need others.

I have no idea what caring for my mother, or my husband’s parents will be like. It’s shocking to realize how close that could actually be. It could end up just like my neighbor Ginny fate. On the other hand, my friend’s father Dave, has be excitedly planning for quite a few years, his move into a retirement cottage, which has assisted living, and nursing facilities available as well. His plans are set, and he might be one of the only few stories of a “non kicker & screamer”, I’ll ever end up hearing. I think most people plan for retirement, but not all the way to the end of their days, like Dave. Of course before the last days come, he’s planning on having a fantastic social life and lots of fun, but thankfully, for his daughters, all the necessities are ready when his health wanes.

This situation with Ginny got me to thinking a lot. It really made me sad how things transpired next door. I think if we have people we truly trust in our lives, those who love us, and have been there for us, we have to be willing to truly listen to them. If we cherish them, we have to be willing to hear them out, and take their advice, especially if they are concerned for our safety, and health. They do love us. They do want the best for us. They don’t sit around, and come up with plans to hurt us.

It’ll all come very fast, I do believe, but when it comes, couldn’t we just surprise them, and say, “Okay. I know you know what’s best”? Or if we can’t ever say that, maybe we should start making concrete plans, so we don’t put our kids, or other relatives through such needless tumult. Poor Ginny, she never knew that Thursday was her last day in her home. They had to sort of trick her into leaving. She won’t really have the kind of closure a person without such a stubborn streak could have for a blessing. She couldn’t say goodbye. She had to be taken away. I hope none of us have to be people that have to be “taken away”.

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Lisa DeLay

©2007