ethought weekly

Sept 9, 2007

First Week Worry

The first week of graduate classes was fierce. It came on like swift kick, and not just because the workload seemed overindulgent. It just so happens that one of my courses involves digging deep into what makes me, me. It's not glamorous at all. It comes through the study of family systems, and personal emotional unfinished business, and so on, and so forth. It's all fun, and games when it's clinical, when it's theory; or case studies. It's fascinating then. When it's your dysfunction is bold type, it make you feel sick to your stomach. And when one has to turn the glaring light on one's self, draw maps, (literally,) and grade one's self on one's willingness to "risk emotionally", anxiety, displeasure, old fears, and all the fun, get sucked out of the thing– fast.

The theme of my week, if you want to know the truth, was anxiety, not just for me. It seemed to be going around, almost virally. It seems my son is having some trouble with school too, and the adjustment there. Some of you may remember from a summer ethoughts installment a reference I made to getting bad news, and that it was not resolved. I can share that news now.

My son's autistic support teacher resigned, and it was sudden. The school district made no efforts to inform the families. For some of you who are parents of normal functioning children, it's probably a stretch to empathize with the disruption a new teacher can cause. Kids get new teachers every year, that's life. Not so for autistic educated children. Some of Nathan's classmate's afflicted with autism still wear diapers. Their teacher is not just a teacher, but a mother figure in a very real sense. Most of the children have huge communication deficits. So this change poses more than a few problems. Most parents were likely shocked to find out on the first day of school, their child's excellent, experienced, highly-skilled teacher was gone, and replaced with a girl right out of college, who had no job experience. She was careful to leave that out of the welcome letter. She's not stupid, just new. She's smart in fact, and very nice. I like her a lot and I think she'll be wonderful in about five years. I was less than thrilled to find out about the whole thing, but I was reticent to reveal I knew this insider information. It was hard to take. Nathan has had a lot to deal with, I just want the best for him. It gets upsetting sometimes.

So then, like many children, Nathan is having a bumpy readjustment to school life. It's not really novel. Lots of kids wish summer could go on. I always did. He says he's lonely, sad, and angry. Among other issues, I think he misses his old teacher. No one provided closure, they just changed things at the school. Kids need true closure, just like adults do, but I think, more so. Autistic kids especially need routine, and sameness to feel okay with the world. In light of that, Nathan is actually doing better than expected. But, it's still hard.

It's funny how when you feel emotionally raw because you are experiencing various difficult issues, you can be sort of least able to deal with stressful new ones that crop up. And they seem to be sort of plentiful. They perk up their ears. They emerge on the horizon like warriors, or pack wolves hungry for blood. It's like they're wait for a weak spot, or something, and then charging in for the kill. It's made me really say strange, unwise, and inopportune things. It's made me feel like hiding, and protecting myself sometimes. I wish I was more resilient. For now, I'm not.

We have a kitten living here with us for ten days. Sounds fun, right? It's my in-laws cat. I'm allergic to cats. It took two hours before I couldn't wear my contacts. My eyes got red and puffy. This feline is stressed out too. It likes to get upon the tables, sinks, and counter tops, and then hisses like mad when I try to get her down. At the moment, she's quite neurotic. Her back is arched a lot, and she hops around if we walk in the room. I just moved my foot, and as I suspected, she lifted about twelve inches off the ground. Perhaps she's merely absorbing some of the vibes in the air. Or, shes' a cat.

I know September can be like this. It can be the “get back into the swing of things month,” and that is okay. I've just decided. I'm not worried about that really. I'm not worried about being momentarily worried. I know faith and worry are supposed to be inversely proportionate. But I do think if we never have any moments of worry, maybe, someone is just cleaning up our messes. And if I call it “concerned”, I feel better.

In any case, when the stress starts to pinch in, I've found it's good to think of things as temporary. They always are. That's my plan too, as long as I can bear it. Improvement, I think, is possible, in some form, or from some state of mind, until we fly away. Just a few more weary days and then, I'll fly away. That's the truth of it. We can't let our problems make us crazy.

just updated--- this week !!

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Lisa DeLay

©2007