ethoughts weekly- Issue 162

May 19, 2007

Fighting Styles. . .continued

RENEGOTIATION TIPS

When you feel a disagreement or a conflict is arising, it’s not time to fight; it’s time to renegotiate, right? Of course, this is far easier said than done, but the idea is clearly superior. In renegotiation, the concept of a winner and a loser is banished as two or more people work toward the improvement of a situation. If a solution is allowed a renegotiation , repeatedly, when needed, problems are not powder kegs for potential disaster, but instead, they are opportunities to make things better for everyone.

So often when conflicts arise we treat the disagreeing side as “the enemy” or the “other team”, instead of seeing the circumstance as merely an area in need of negotiation principles. If so, family members, co-workers, neighbors or others can be suddenly split apart. This is needless. The fact is most conflicts don't have to be thought of internally as an argument rather than negotiation. Arguement circumstances are seen as a “competitive sport” where there can be no ties. Negotiation is a civil discourse involving common ground and formed agreements.

How can you make your renegotiations go more smoothly? Here are some tips:

1. Firstly, broach the need to dialogue about a situation in a way that is “matter-of-fact”.

From the beginning, avoid the idea or mentality that a conflict is a fight or argument. If your discord seems too heated, the problem can become too over-blown. During conflicts, it is natural for our defenses to go up. We become opposed like foes. Even the most secure of us go into self-protection mode. If we play into the emotion of the situation, the other party may become leery of our intentions as well. If the goal is truly to graciously discuss and peacefully resolve an issue, rather than conquer the other in mere argumentation, than offer the opportunity to dialogue and find common ground. But just a word of warning: Please be careful to build trust by following through. There’s nothing like being set up for a straightforward discussion, only to be attacked, blind-sided, or subjected to a fit of anger by that person. This can betray confidences in a conflict resolution system, or a person, permanently. Renegotiation, at its best, is a coming together of two or more parties with differing views, to find a common workable point of agreement and solution.

2. Before you come to the table, set the table using neutrality, goodwill, and manners.

Be careful not to point fingers and set blame before, during or after your discourse. Take the personal aspects out of the conflict, and get down to the meat of the issue. Uncover what needs to happen for things to resolve. Instead of saying, “You did this.” Use language that reflects your perspective such as, “When this happened, it felt upset and off balance, etc.” It’s also very important that the way we dialogue is mature, level- headed, and fair at every turn. Conflicts should be given every chance to resolve without the distraction of peripheral poor behavior. Many times problems are exacerbated when people act “ugly”, or take cheap shots as they work out issues. The simple stuff of "golden rule" kindness will help conflicts resolve far better. Civil behavior has to be modeled to take hold, too. We have to also to lead by example, and respectfully and humbly invite others to join us. Negociations happen best among allies, and this is how we should treat each other, even if these relationships are quite strained. We have to work from our best advantage, not our worst.

3. Remember the role of perceptions and perspectives.

As you renegotiate, remember the importance of allowing for the expression of individual perspectives and perceptions of the issue. Explanations can offer much on the path to reconciliation and common ground. Value must be placed on the unique contribution to the matter for each side to feel vested in the solution as well. Each side of the story has to come out, or negotiations really haven’t happened.

4. Bit by Bit Negotiation

Not every problem has to be solved all at once. Resist the urge to think of a partial solution as failure. Many times problems are solved bit by bit. If some common ground, or a temporary solution will work for the time being, you can enter cordial talks again soon, and find a new chance to reach agreements. If you did it once, you will be even better at it the next time. At the risk of being redundant, and repeating myself, and saying things over and over--negotiate an agreement, and then renegotiate, and then start over, um, again.

5. Ownership

When both parties feel participatory and responsible in the resolution, and in the ultimate success of the situation, a more agreeable resolution will be reached for everyone throughout the process. If all parties have major contributions to the agreement, the chances of positive a outcome goes up as well. (The psychology behind negotiations is the best ammunition you can have during a conflict. It’s far better than the ability to make a quick and stinging verbal jab. The simplest reason is because it will end better and faster. But the best reason is, the one we should all strive for, and that is a reason of character-development. )

6. Check ups

Here is your ace-in-the-hole. Set up a specific date to come back and discuss the matter, especially if it is a major issue. Even if the situation has gone well, and was a big success, it helps so much to celebrate that victory, by taking joy in it together. It there are bumps to work out, or unresolved elements, they won’t continue unchecked with a pre-planned review time worked into the renegotiation. Resentment won’t build, and peace and goodwill can stay intact with a built-in check up.

Are you smarter than most of the people you know? Does this help you win your arguments? If you're number 1, let me be the first to congratulate you. Nevertheless, I wish you far less arguments, and many more renegotiations! Argumentation has nothing to do with harmony and cooperation, which are the mainstays of a happier, sane, and balanced life. If you’re excellent at winning arguments, than you're a winner who is actually a loser! You’ll probably have to get use to a lonely kind of life. Maybe it's time to renegotiate a plan of reconciliation, renewed cooperation, or workable solutions with some one.

Resolving conflicts through renegotiation builds bridges, lasting relationships, and endearing solutions for a better kind of lifestyle. If you’ve found any success in this area, from your own knack at it, drop me a line, I’ve love to hear about it. It's all VERY new to me. Best wishes.

Lisa DeLay

©2007