ethoughts weekly- Issue 161

May 12, 2007

Fighting Styles

When I was married, almost twelve years ago, I came at disagreements, not as opportunities for conflict resolution, but rather as fights where there was a clear winner, and clear (read unfortunate) loser. The winner would be happy, and validated, and the loser would concede. Life would move on too, until the next conflict, and so on. I came from a divorce home, so I didn’t have the best skills for a healthy marriage. If Tim weren’t the “staying type”, I’m sure we wouldn’t have made it. Fighting with the stakes of big winners and big losers is, is worse than playing high stakes poker in Vagas, it's like playing badminton with a nuclear bomb.

Fighting styles vary greatly from person to person. Only a scant few involve a method of resolving conflict long term, in a positive way. Other the other hand, you have, what people call, a conflict resolution. A conflict resolution is where both parties’ thoughts and perspectives are considered, sometimes with the help of a third, objective mediator, and an agreement is reached, to which both parties are amiable. A fight is a lot more like Boxing, which is a sport. Through a series of taunts, swings, hits, and misses, two people bent on conquering the other, attempt to knock down the opponent, or land the most damaging blows, thus securing a victory. But note, the champion celebrates without the other.

A fight and an argument are most often analogous, and this makes perfect sense. An argument is primarily thought of, and defined in the dictionary as, a reason, or set of reasons, given with the aim of persuading others that an idea or action is right or wrong. As you can tell, you have a winner and you have a loser. It’s like a sport. It might be fun to watch on television, when reality TV and infomercials lose their charm, but this method does nothing for conflict resolution. So, it does little for a sane, happy or healthy home life.

I didn’t know this as a girlfriend, fiancé, or newlywed, but through hard knocks, (funny, huh,) I came to understand, the “slash and burn technique” that is argumentation did little in building trust or fostering harmony. It did lead to hurt feelings, growing resentments, continued unresolved conflicts, and well, more fights. I was, after all, a world-class pugilist. I’ve always loved belts and purses. I thought razor tongue made me a winner. It's lonely at the top. But, since then I’ve retired, or semi-retired, as best I can.

I suppose if I agreed with Tim on every point, one of us wouldn’t be necessary. Somebody smarter than me said that once. Part of the blessing and experience of a life lived together, is learning from disagreements. It’s the painful part of growth, and maturing that can be very good, if it’s not too hurtful during the process. It’s where the hard edges of us can get smoothed down like rocks in a riverbed. We can become polished and more beautiful. Not that we all do, but it’s possible. We can learn to get another perspective. We can learn how selfish we are. We can learn that others matter, a lot. We can learn that collaboration can be a very beautiful thing. I can’t imagine one could ever learn this in solitude, or even in the company of a pet. I think the strangeness of people; really the flaws, and struggles of living elbow-to-elbow create this buffing and shinning, that can change us for the better. We go from combatants to gems, fighters to lovers, at least that is the hope. It's mine. I won't ask you how I'm doing, not just yet.

And now I have come to the gem of this ethoughts weekly. The part, that I hope will give you a lot of hope, and maybe make your life better. It all very exciting. It is this: Renegotiation. I believe conflicts are simply the stage for renegotiation. Bear with me; it’s a very liberating idea.

Negotiation is a discussion aimed at an agreement. What a difference this is than an argument, which is aimed at convincing someone that something or someone is right or wrong. We all negotiate things all the time without knowing it. For instance, without having to tell every neighbor, we park in front of our house, on what is actually a public road. The unspoken negotiation is that our car can, and will be parked in front of our house. Others park there too, but generally our car is there. Other negotiations could be that the boss gives yearly raises, and the employee may dress casually on Fridays. Maybe in the home, the wife cooks supers, the husband does the laundry, and the kids do the dishes. Maybe these have been verbally agreed on, or maybe life has just slipped into certain habits, but regardless, negotiations in the form of expectations have cemented. Now they are agreed upon, or disagreed upon. Either there is harmony or there is tension. So what do we do about it?

I think it’s fine to consider disagreements and conflicts as merely opportunities to renegotiate. Why do they have to be fights? Why not tell the other party you think of it in those terms? In this way, it is not a fight, a boxing match. It is something else. Instead of taking jabs about who’s right or wrong, instead of outwitting, acquiescing, persuading, harping, guilting, or bullying, the other party to win the fight; what about thinking of the conflict in a whole new way?

Renegotiation presumes the parties are on neutral and even ground. That should help defuse some conflict tension more than anything else. The biggest problem about a fight or argument is the war-like positioning. Each one is in each corner, each ready to slug it out. Once Round 1 begins, it takes a while to realize it benefits everyone to reach a good agreement. Study a little of John Nash Equilibrium Theory, you'll love it. Okay, don't. The short version "All boats rise."

Renegotiation should have a solid expectation of a mutually beneficial compromise. This could be the biggest motivator to enter into the situation, besides wanting harmony. When we know we won’t be beaten down, and the one we disagree with is not the opponent, the pressure is off. This will greatly help our detractor too. They just might stop swinging. Once we neutralize the fight and make it a renegotiation, new civil rules apply. Maturity must prevail. We need to be grown ups. We need to be kind, even as we stand our ground, and more than ever before, find common ground.

The best part about a renegotiation method of conflict resolution is that a new renegotiation can be created again, anytime, when needed. Renegotiation is not about winning, it’s about improving a situation in a way where understanding, communication, and agreement are optimal. When it’s time to renegotiate it doesn’t mean, ‘Time for war!” It means, “Time to see how we can reach an agreement, and make things work. We both want things. We can make this work, and we will, because we are on the same side.” It’s a whole new way of approaching differences that I stumbled on after getting bloody, and doing it all wrong for far too long. I still do it wrong sometimes. I have bad habits engrained, but renegotiation as a concept, and method, has breathed fresh life into the way I see conflicts in my marriage, and in other aspects of life as well.

Want some tips for a smoother renegotiation time? Tune in next week!

Lisa DeLay

©2007